First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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