I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
