I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
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