The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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