apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Randomize
