i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
did i walk over a car last night?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?