What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.