Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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