1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
