i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
