Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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