I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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