i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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