I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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