I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
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Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
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We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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