you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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