this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
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He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
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I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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