I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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