he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
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I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
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As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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