It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
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