you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
