I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
