We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
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Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
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Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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