then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
