did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
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i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
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Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?