just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Randomize
