right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
