My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
