I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
