You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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