I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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