When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Randomize
