Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
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