they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
