My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
