I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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