You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just gargled with NyQuil
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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