two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
