Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
