It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
