the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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