totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
