The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
