I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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