Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
