That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
