omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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