You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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