I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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