if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
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you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
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Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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