Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Dignity is for republicans.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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