I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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