Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
