this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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