My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
