dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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