I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
