So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves