his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...