So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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