my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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